God save us from Guests!!- A translation

Gopal Prasad Vyas

Gopal Prasad Vyas (13 February 1915 – 28 May 2005) was an Indian poet and writer known for his humorous poems and essays. His works have been compiled into several books such as To Mein Kya Karoon, Ras Rasamrit, Maff Kijiye and Baat Baat Mein Baat.The story of his life has been documented in a biography, Bahuayami Jeevan Ke Dhani Pt Gopal Prasad Vyas, written by Santosh Matta, published by Prabhat Books in 2015.He was honoured by the Government of India in 1965, with the award of Padma Shri, the fourth highest Indian civilian award for his contributions to the field of literature.

Words these days don’t make sense, neither at home nor outside. We had our ancestors who felt that receiving guests was equal to receiving blessings from God. Everyone in the family took joy in welcoming them. The guests were given a respectable welcome even far from the door, led in to the house and given the best cushions and furniture to rest. A wide range of delicacies and beverages were served to satisfy their taste buds. They were kept well entertained and the family carried out their chores in such a way that it didn’t bother the guest. Even before the guest opened his mouth to ask something the whole family would be on their tip toes to fulfill his demands.
Such was that time and now is the time, where set aside guests coming to your home, even if receive a letter from them saying that they are interested to visit Delhi, believe me, pulse rate increases four times…😌 I can’t even think for a moment whether this gentleman is serious or joking. I secretly pray God that to be a joke. But God doesn’t favour you always. So, I pick up ‘ Parker ‘ and balancing him between my fingers write to my friend, cause you cannot just leave this matter to God and trust Him.
“Dear friend, I am so happy that you have decided to visit Delhi. It’s been years, I would be glad if you would visit. But I am terribly sorry to suggest you not to come here. I can’t even imagine to hurt you for any of my biggest personal gains. Actually the fact is, this is not the right season to visit Delhi. You will understand the difficulties of travelling in train when you come by it. You may successfully finish your struggles and reach here only to be disappointed. Because there is chickenpox spreading on the one side and cholera on the other. You are stuck at home and can’t go out. Even if you go, there is no good theatrical company or new cinema release. And by the way I don’t get too much time also to get out these days. I have a great desire to meet too. But circumstances are such that I am forced to suggest you to not come here for now.”
Often a well mannered person will accept my suggestion, but you know all the five fingers aren’t the same and just like that there are a few friends who arrive at the door misfortunate enough, without any letter or information.
A guest’s “Namaste” makes me faint, like a young calf when it hears a lion roar in the jungle. Well, I have figured out a few solutions and precautions to save myself from these unexpected guests.🤐
For instance, we have rented the house in such a place where even a tonga, or an autorickshaw or taxi cannot reach. One street into another, one street into another it leads to a maze which even if a magician comes and looks into the map of the address, he must exclaim, ” what a tough work it is!! ” Then if they reach the apartment it’s not that easy to reach my house. One stairs above the other, one room after another it goes on in such a way that unless someone comes and shouts in the voice of a municipality siren not even a lice can crawl on my body. Suppose I hear your voice, what’s the guarantee that I reply to you? First of all we will send our son to look who is the guest? how do they look?how many are there?etc etc. Based on son’s report, wife looks through the window once again to inspect, whether they are carrying luggage or not?is there a gang of children waiting elsewhere etc etc. As soon as she gives the signal I understand that the ‘line is clear’ and go to the hideout only to make sure that there is no harm in asking my son to inform the respected guests that”father is not at home”
You might think that I have borrowed all the intelligence to find such ridiculous solutions. No, God too has created some really peculiar characters on this earth. When they find out I am invincible at home, they attack me outside,they come right over to my office.😑
Before they start asking me something I pounce on them with my readymade questions, Ya tell me where are you staying? without waiting for their reply I hit them with another,when are you leaving? If that brave soul escapes these questions, I use my last powerful weapon,”hope you have had your breakfast?”
I have to admit that this planet has some good souls on it, if not the earth and sky wouldn’t be the same. So, rarely does anyone decide to stay at my home (with all my embarassing questions who would even want to🤓) often,they get shocked and reply everything is alright and I don’t have to worry.
But there are few souls from your childhood whom you have unknowingly chosen as friends for life. These people don’t take anything seriously,not your anger,not your attitude and they are the ones who enjoy the most when you are in any difficulty. The truth is we are the ones who stand by them, the ones who don’t send any letter,nor do they need any permission from us, and the ones who are devilishly capable of bringing back even if we are hiding deep down inside the earth. Even before you are aware they would have occupied your sofa in the house,they will make your kids their nephews, they will seek your mother’s blessings even before you do and command your house helpers as if they are the ones who are paying them.
To be honest, I personally don’t have a cure for such people, but my wife does.😈
As these guests arrive she transforms herself. Sometimes I doubt is she the mother of our children or someone else.
As soon as these guests start accommodating comfortably in the house, she falls sick,there is a coldness in her behavior. Generally in such times the children in house are beaten more, the utensils are broken and the presence of spices in the cooking is more stronger than ever. The maid is called for domestic chores and my wife who doesn’t step out on other days actually goes out to her friends just to play cards and spend 3-4 hours.
I must tell you the scenes that are worth watching when these guests are home. If they ask for a mug to bath, they are given a bowl, if they ask for a soap they are shown the stick used to wash clothes, if they ask for scented hair oil, they are quickly served with a bottle of mustard oil. They say that Lord Shiva drank the poison drawn from the ocean and held it in his throat, but I challenge him to come, be my guest and savour the daal in my house. I bet he cannot because I don’t know from which mountain does my wife fetch those greens for the dish that the guests are left ‘high and dry’ at the table. Here after never in their dreams would they think of visiting Delhi.
You may be cursing me and my wife for being such a ridiculous couple who ill treat their guests. You may even think we are anti social beings not fit to live in a human society. I kindly request you to keep these societal norms for yourself because I am not the one who gets easily defeated by these arguments.
I do know that some people have reached great heights of success by looking well after their guests, some ordinary men have even become political leaders, lawyers and doctors are gaining their fees, the works of a writer are liked by the publishers, talentless people are owning a car and house, why even a black market dealer is earning in lakhs.
Do you think there is no such desire in my heart?
Yes, it is. But I am helpless and desperately in search of a technique that gives me the full benefits of hosting these guests without taking much physical and economic pain.
I hope God hears this, someday!!😬😬






Thanks for patient reading,
All your comments and suggestions are welcome.🙏